Plain English (A Small Town Funeral)

PLAIN ENGLISH
By Mary Jane McKinney
A SMALL TOWN Texas funeral used to be one of those things in life you could depend on. The customs include taking food to the bereaved, sending flowers, cards, and charitable donations in memory of the deceased. Most of all, we attend the funeral service to honor the dead.
A recent funeral I attended had a big turnout for an old-time resident who was born in our town, married in our town, and died in our town at the age of 85. A large crowd arrived early at the graveside service to commemorate the life and death of our neighbor and friend. We had expectations of a Texas funeral. What we got was far from it.
The woman’s son had lived far away his whole life and had forgotten about the Texas style send-off. Here’s where he went wrong . . .
Graveside versus Church or Funeral Home. Elderly people attend the funerals of their elderly friends. Graveside services mean long walks on uneven ground, not to mention navigating with a walker, cane, or wheelchair. The weather is rarely perfect. Texas cemeteries are typically hot or freezing cold, and almost always windy. Mourners need to sit in comfort during the service in a church or funeral home. Churches and funeral homes also provide music that is soothing and inspirational.
Appropriate Service. The woman who died was a lifelong Baptist. What she got was an Episcopal funeral. Not good. The young priest did an admiral job of reading Bible
verses selected by the son, and we got to recite the Lord’s Prayer. What was missing was a brief biography of the deceased or any words at all about her.
Typically the officiating clergy read from the official obituary. That brings up another problem . . .
The Obituary. Obituaries, though written by family members, become official records. They establish data on one’s birth and death dates, marriage, children, and the deceased’s lineage and life. In the case of our friend, her obituary did not contain her birth date or place of birth, where she died or anything at all about her life. The mourners knew that she had been married to her childhood sweetheart for 62 years. She had been a member of the same Baptist church her whole life. She taught Sunday School and was active in her church, the local school, and our community. Her obituary was vague and sketchy—and permanent.
The Post-Funeral Gathering. In the case of our friend, there was no get-together after the service. We stood in the heat and the wind and visited at the cemetery, then each of us went home. Typically, we would all adjourn to the Community Center or a church
hall for a sumptuous “covered-dish” feast that always features 10 different kinds of Jello, potato salad, coleslaw, barbeque brisket, ham, red beans, cornbread muffins, and an array of cakes and pies and banana puddings. Comfort food after a funeral is essential.
One good thing that resulted from the less than satisfying funeral experience is that many mourners reconsidered their own fates. Some talked of going home and writing their obituaries. Help with that can be found at www.obituaryguide.com. Just because you put your funeral preferences in writing doesn’t mean that they will be respected,
but it’s worth a try. If you’re really serious about commemorating your life with something
more permanent, you may want to spring for the tombstone epitaph. Some of the best epitaphs are short and sweet.
Jack Dempsey (boxer): “A Gentle Man and a Gentleman”
Bette Davis (actress): “She Did It The Hard Way”
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (creator of Sherlock Holmes): “Steel True, Blade Straight”
Dean Martin: “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”
Mel Blanc (the voice of Porky Pig): “That’s All, Folks.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mary Jane McKinney is the founder and CEO of Grammardog.com LLC,
a publisher of grammar exercises. She has used her English degree as a teacher, editor,
reporter, and marketing executive. Readers who have questions or comments on this column
are welcome to write to the author in care of The Pulse, PO Box 350, Hart, TX 79043 or email hbeat@amaonline.com